i think we all have problems with it. I used to only think about voice as far as how weird it sounded on the answering machine or the comments on my essays as a young student. “Strong voice,” my papers read.
i didn’t think about finding my voice or losing my voice or trying to find it..again. I didn’t think about finding a new voice or ever stepping so far into the metaphor to discuss range or pitch.
i want to say things to people. share. speak.
i’m trying to say things so i don’t lose more. so i gain more than i had before. so i don’t feel like it doesn’t get better than how it was. that is a hard way to be.
and i miss it. speaking. i miss saying how my day was. i had a terrific one the other day and then didn’t know who to tell.
a tree falls in a forest and no one is there to hear it, did it fall? a voice falls on an empty room, did it speak?
i had a week. I got an amazing commission the other day. I think you’re the only person who would appreciate it as much i did. it’s for an era piece. something you would plotz over and i just wanted to tell you. the pain in my body wasn’t so bad and i was able to work out for the first time in like a month. i finished one of my finals early, so i started a new book. i had a meeting that made me feel like i could be really happy. i danced. i had a good talk with my brother. maybe, just maybe we might get along one day. every month that goes by we don’t fight, i get a little hopeful. that feels vulnerable, but that alone, is good right?
my month is full of plans that won’t happen. celebrations. thoughtfulness. and i want to think that when this part is over, it will all feel ok. and my voice… maybe it won’t feel like i’m holding it in. because the things i want to say will be things i’m allowed to? i won’t bite my tongue instead of saying, i am lonely without my best friend.