noah yourself

Month: February, 2012

Today I have more words than I know what to do with, but I’m sure you know them, I’m sure you could write them all yourself.

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Favorites

My favorite foods are Asian. Except when they are middle eastern or mexican or a cheeseburger.

My favorite color bedding is brown, except when I fall into someone else’s bed and it is blue.

My favorite state of being is naked, except when it is in a handsome outfit.

My favorite sport is softball, except when it is baseball or a pickup game of something, in which case my favorite sport is the one i’m playing.

My favorite time of day is morning, except when it’s afternoon and the sun is really nice or when it’s night and everything feels excited.

My favorite season is autumn, except when its a balmy summer morning, or there is the smell of new green in the spring or when the air is so brisk in the winter that I can feel the cold waking up my mind and my lungs stubbornly accepting it.

My favorite restaurant is where I’m at when I’m with people I love, except when they are in my house, in which case my favorite restaurant is my kitchen.

My favorite meat is pig, except when it’s a cheeseburger or my mom’s adobo or chickenless nuggets.

My favorite way to spend a saturday night is listening to live music, except when its staying in or cooking or having sex or going to a play or going out to eat or reading a book.

My favorite color underwear is black except when it’s on another person in which case I have a lot of favorites.

My favorite thing to cook is soup, but not because it’s my favorite thing to cook but it’s my favorite to eat except when spinach is my favorite thing to eat which requires no cooking.

My favorite thing to cook that takes cooking is bread or pasta or something that requires work and time and patience except when I don’t have time or patience then my favorite thing to cook is something like a stirfry.

My favorite way to sleep is on my stomach except when it’s on my side or laying in a cuddle. My most favorite way to sleep is on my stomach in a cuddle with the weight of someone laying on or against my back.

My favorite way to walk somewhere is the prettiest path, not the shortest except when my knees hurts extra or I have other things to do.

My favorite color in the kitchen is white except for when it’s red.

My favorite way to eat is with someone else, except when I’m having a day and I want ‘communion’ by myself.

My favorite way to be by myself is knowing I wont be alone later, except when the only thing I need is to be alone later.

My favorite genre to read is poetry, except when it’s non fiction or historical fiction or a comic book.

My favorite favorite color clothing is black, except when it is purple or white or something else that looks nice on my skin.

My favorite kind of dog is a german shepherd, except when it is a huskie or one with an eye patch or killer.

My favorite place to pray is by water except when it’s walking on the sidewalk and watching the lines under my feet or when i’m in a holy place or when i’m cross legged sitting in my bed.

My favorite kinds of stores are clothing ones, except when they hardware or cooking or books.

My favorite guy is my dad, except when it is mark or justin or my uncle george.

My favorite type of poetry is free verse except when it’s a sonnet.

My favorite dessert is pie, except when it’s anything italian or tart or seconds of dinner.

My favorite breakfast has eggs. There is no except for this one.

Want #3

I want to go to Egypt. I’ve wanted to go since I was little. When I was small I used to be obsessed with the pyramids and aliens. Since I can’t go see aliens I want to see the pyramids.

go it alone

i failed my college physics class.
i needed help. i didn’t know how to ask.

I once was the president of an athletics board and spent over 20hours a week working on just that because I didn’t know how to delegate. I didn’t know how to say I wasn’t enough. I didn’t know how to ask for help.

i didn’t get wood because i need help carrying it.

i didn’t go to therapy before us because i needed help getting through the door. (btw you didn’t drag me, i was grateful)

I am thinking about my course now, the directions to go. there are things i wanted to ask you, my partner, and i didn’t know how to say it before. but now i dont have to ask. the only thing that makes sense to me right now is that there is no one to ask and so i do have to do it by myself. it doesn’t make sense that we’re apart, but being a one man show makes sense to me because that’s what i know how to do.

i simply don’t want to though.

I’m scared of that.

I’m embarrassed. I’m embarrassed of all the times i’ve needed help and i haven’t said so. I cover that up with
i’ve got it
i’ll take care of it
don’t worry
i’ll do it
it’s taken care of

and days are so much longer and so much harder because of such a stupid thing.

My brother decided that his response to this split should be to ream me out. He said to me “and now you need to fucking stop your never ask for help bullshit”
Not the comforting words I would like, but I don’t expect that from him. It was true though.

This is what i know. I have failed at too many things because I didn’t say what I needed. Because i didn’t ask. To this point I have moved on the best I could, with a lot of baggage, and just kept going.

I dont think I can do this failure. This just isn’t acceptable.

I’m designing and building a library. A personal library. It’s like a dream.

the only person i have to take care of right now is me…

Tuesday

I want to tell you about my day. I want to tell you because it was good and bad and difficult and at the end of it I was proud of it. I’ve been zombie walking around. I’ve been sludging through feelings. I’ve been going through motions. I’ve been doing all of the right things I could be doing, but not really feeling any of it. Yesterday I felt like I picked up all the crap and walked with it. So, ok.

I had a long day at work, but I spent a lot of time writing and reading because the guys decided to sleep. I didn’t cry on their heads, as I’ve made a bad habit of doing. The street they live on is under construction and so my days have been overflowing with boy-wonder while they watch these monsters of machines roll and bang and lift and dump. They are ecstatic.  I love watching that in them. It is so fulfilling to actually see their minds being blown.

I went to therapy and had what I felt was a noticeably good session.  I felt some things. I processed some things. I chose what I wanted to talk about because it was what I needed to talk about. Unpacked some wants and needs for myself. I felt good about it. I also felt some anxiety over the fact that we’re taking a two week break next month because she will be out of state. Surprising how that feels nothing like relief to me.

I met with the co-founder of the In Our Words blog. Talked fashon, faith, politics… talked about otherness. I’m going to be writing for them. I’m excited about that. I’ve been burning a lot of energy that way and it feels like a good place to put it.

I came home, unpacked my new pots. Packed up yours. Wrapped up our dishes with love and labeled each box. And while this isn’t fun work, it is something I can do and do with care. Something I am trying my damnedest to give to myself, and I succeed at at least a few points in my day, but the excess went to pyrex and plates.

I am good with that.

 

Things I want # 2: clay

I want to sell another sculpture. More than that, I want to press clay between my fingers in such a way that something desirable is created.

I’m glad you’re writing.

But you should read this:

I am sorry for your disappointment.
I am sorry for many things.

Late bloomer

The first time I can remember sharing my feelings regularly- in  a normal way, not prompted by an argument or something bad happening, was when I was in a bible study. We read scripture but we also talked about our lives. We did this thing, high/low, where we talked about the high point of our week and the low point of our week. It didn’t feel natural at first but it became so to say this is what happened, this is how it felt. I liked how it was organized though- same time and place., same format.  It felt safe for me.